Journey of Discovery

Every day we meet and interact with our family, friends, and colleagues we are involved in a wide variety of behavioural activities that are often unknown to us. This is due to the fact that a significant amount of our behaviour operates from our unconscious as it is part of our habitual behaviour. To test this just think about any time you changed the location of something you regularly use such as your tea cup, waste bin,  soap dish, etc.. The probability is high that you naturally reach for the object in the place it used to be rather than in its new location. We have also developed habits with our behaviour whether this be in the language we use, the way we dress, the things we like, and the friends we have.

Some people become worried at learning how predictable they have become in the way they act and behave. However, once they understand that developing habits is a natural way of making many complex activities simple and repeatable. If we did not develop these habits we would have to remember every action and this would tend to drive people ‘up the wall’. Rather than being worried about our habits we should take an interest in discovering what they are and the effect they have on others. The process of developing you self-awareness can be an exciting journey of discovery when carried out in a planned manner using sound feedback.

Seeking Feedback

Inviting family, friends, or colleagues to give us feedback can be a scary thing if not handled in an understanding manner. Firstly, we need to be aware that every person we ask to give us feedback will see us differently from the way we see ourself. The difference may be minor, however, on other occasion it may be significantly different from our own perception. Secondly, it is important to work to the rule that we don’t take any feedback personally as it is only another persons perception. Some people have an excellent ability to give us feedback that accurately describes that behaviour we used and the effect it had on them. However, the majority of us are not as skilled and thus have a tendency to use a mixture of observation along with some judgemental comments. Its the judgemental comments that we tend to take personally and this is a serious trap as it can lead us into a downward spiral of negative thinking.

The third element of receiving feedback is to view it as very valuable information that can be of immense help in shaping and developing our relationships. By receiving all feedback in a positive and appreciated manner we can encourage them to feel safe in sharing their views with us in the knowledge that we will review the content. It is interesting to note that even the most critical feedback often contains some very useful insights that can make a real different to relationships. Finally we need to remember that although we have developed many habits we will also encounter changing situations that will have an impact on our behaviour to the point of inducing us to modify some of our habits. This is why it is important to seek feedback on a regular basis particularly if we are involved in deliberately making changes to the way we operate.

Sources of Feedback

Personal feedback tends to be the most valuable particularly when we can interact with the person give us the feedback. In this way we can clarify (not defend) what has been observed to gain a better understand of the actual behaviour, when it took place, and the effect it had on the person. A caveat is to always remember that feedback is someone’s perception which is real to them when they are being genuine, however, it may be a distorted reality. This can occur when a person has developed negative feelings about us, is feeling unwell, is involved in a stressful situation, has received adverse feedback on us from a third party. There can be many factors that influence the quality of feedback we receive, however, it is our responsibility to process it in ways that help us to develop new skills and modify the behaviour that is perceived to be inappropriate.

One of the major benefits of becoming self-aware is in the recognition that we need to develop ways of interacting with every person based on their needs rather than on our needs. The more we are able to ‘read’ the needs of others and thus modify our behaviour accordingly the better equipped we will be in developing constructive and sustainable relationships. To improve our self-awareness we need to seek feedback from a range of people and sources such as:

• from friends, family, and colleagues
• observing our behaviour during interactions
• watching the reactions of those who are watching us interact
• completing psychometric questionnaires and studying the feedback
• using online behavioural questionnaire similar to the BLT suite
• participating in discussion groups
• being a part of a developmental workshop
• receiving feedback from a coach or mentor

The more aware we become the better equipped we become in receiving and processing the observations and feedback that we receive. We are less inclined to be trapped into taking it personally and becoming defensive about what may appear to us to be very critical of us. Every piece of feedback can be of value when we take it a being only information that needs to be processed. When we feel OK in ourself and are pretty grounded almost all feedback will be framed in ways that can help to add value and help us improve our skills.

I look forward to receiving your feedback on this post.

Best wishes

Tom Jaap